


Saucebox

by BelgianCar



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, F/M, M/M, Other, Radio
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-06
Updated: 2015-08-17
Packaged: 2018-04-13 06:02:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4510569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BelgianCar/pseuds/BelgianCar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As punishment for a disastrous misadventure, Leliana and Dorian are ordered to take over as hosts for a late-night radio talk show.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Pilot

Our story opens at the campus radio station of the University of Kirkwall, a reputable but fairly undistinguished institution of higher learning. The time is 12:40 A.M., and the door to the speakers' booth opens to admit two weary, shambling young people - a young man with a distinguished moustache and a young woman with fiery red hair tucked inside a purple hoodie. The young man swats around on the wall near the door, trying to find the lightswitch. Unsuccessful, he lurches forward into the room, hands in front of him. The young woman looks behind the door, finds the lightswitch, and switches it on, causing them both to squint and the man to grunt. They both lumber over to the two cushioned office chairs behind the two microphones.

DORIAN: Remind me, why the hell are we doing this again?

LELIANA: It was either this or working for the telemarketing people trying to squeeze money out of alumni.

DORIAN: Third level of hell. At least there's no guilt in this - those poor sods...

Dorian fiddles with the lever below his chair, trying to adjust it to a comfortable height. The aged chair doesn't cooperate. After a couple moments of unregulated up-and-down movement, the chair slams down into the wheeled base.

DORIAN: This is all your fault.

LELIANA: I wasn't the one who set half the alienage on fire.

DORIAN: I wasn't the one who cause a containment breach in the bloody Darkspawn Research Lab! Honestly, woman, what was I supposed to do when you let a whole litter of bloody darkspawn out into the city? You're just lucky they didn't run to the Rainbow Rose. If I'd had to burn that down to save everyone, I would have made sure that you had died in the fire with them.

LELIANA: It's not like I tried to let them out. I was just trying to get the answers to next week's biology exam. Like. You. Asked. Me. To. Who the hell keeps their filing system in the same room with a bunch of psychotic test subjects.

DORIAN: Someone who has a creative approach to security. Honestly, you're supposed to be the expert in that, miss majoring-in-security-management.

LELIANA: Watch it, mister art-history-and-musical-theater. We're not doing any showtunes on the show, by the way.

DORIAN: I hate you.

LELIANA: I hate you too.

A sudden knock on the glass window between the hosts' and producer's booth interrupts their argument. The two of them look over into the window to see a young woman with a blue scarf wrapped around her head. She smiles wryly and waves at them. She then reaches down and presses a microphone switch to speak to them.

ISABELA: Look, hate each other as much as you want, but save it for when we're on the air, okay? That way I actually might be able to stay awake for this little disaster.

Isabela walks over to the door between booths and pushes her way through. Still all smiles, she walks up to the two of them. Leliana stands up to meet her, and Dorian slowly follows suit.

LELIANA: You must be Isabela. I'm Leliana and that pile of joy there is Dorian.

DORIAN: Nice to meet you.

They all shake hands.

ISABELA: So you're the lucky little delinquents, eh?

DORIAN: Lucky may be a relative term.

ISABELA: Fair enough, but hopefully I can make this a bit better than the Alumni Fund telemarketing pool.

LELIANA: I was wondering about that. How is it that we got a job hosting a radio show instead of serving time doing anything like that? Doesn't exactly seem like a punishment - actually sounds like it could be fun.

DORIAN: (grumbles incoherently)

ISABELA: A few people in the administration owed me favors - pirate radio can be a powerful friend - and I lost my late-shift hosts to some commercial station. Bloody capitalists. You two have a bit of a reputation for being somewhat larger-than-life, so after the fire and everything came down, I called in my markers with them in order to get you on board. Figured you'd appreciate the break.

LELIANA: We do. Don't we, Dorian?

DORIAN: (Yawning) Mmm...yeah...

ISABELA: Great. Well, let me introduce you to the control console and we'll get you on the air right at one.

Isabela introduces them to the console, which takes about five minutes, then goes over the basic rules for broadcasting in her station. When she's done, there are two minutes to go before 1 A.M.

LELIANA: All sounds pretty straightforward. Push button, talk to microphone. Push other button, talk to callers. Two hours and...

DORIAN: And then we go home to bed.

ISABELA: Yep, that's pretty much it.

DORIAN: So...what are we supposed to talk about?

ISABELA: Just let me and the callers take care of that. You're on the graveyard shift at a college radio station in the middle of Kirkwall. The calls may be weird, but they won't be boring. Oh, and one more thing.

Isabela heads into the producer's booth and comes back with two white plastic bags. A logo on the side of the bag reads "Ned Spinnarooney's Late-Night Takeaway".

ISABELA: Usually I don't allow food in the booth - it's how we get ants - but for your first show, I think we can be a little flexible. Maybe get you a little extra energy.

DORIAN: Is...is that Spinnarooney's glazed chicken bites and waffle fries?

LELIANA: Smells like it...

She opens the two styrofoam containers, revealing two heaping servings of gleaming chicken bites and waffle fries, slathered in a gleaming honey glaze sauce. Both Dorian and Leliana's eyes light up as the aroma of this bounty of the gods fills the booth. Dorian and Leliana are both suddenly much more awake.

DORIAN: Isabela, you're a fine girl. That is my absolute favorite!

LELIANA: Yes indeed - thank you so much! How'd you know, though?

ISABELA: Believe me, Leliana, there's very little that goes on in this town that I don't know about. Remember that.

DORIAN: (Gives a mock salute) Aye, aye, captain!

ISABELA: (Smiles) I'll get you two some water at the first break - about half an hour in. Thirty seconds to air - good luck, you two.

Isabela heads back into the producer's booth, shutting the door behind her. She puts her headphones on and motions for Dorian and Isabela to do the same. She flags a countdown to them using her hands. Five...four...three...two...one. She presses a button and the "On-Air" light comes on above the window between the two booths.

LELIANA: Umm...okay...hi everybody. And welcome to....uh...

DORIAN: Erm...uh...the night-time program.

Through the window, they both can see Isabela facepalm dramatically. They both look to her with a deer-in-headlights look, completely lost. Isabela mimes a telephone to the two of them.

DORIAN: Well, shall we take a call? Isabela, who do we have on the line?

Isabela smiles and leans in to her microphone.

ISABELA: We have Meredith on line one, she has a question about mages.

DORIAN: Oh, well as a mage myself, I should be able to take that.

He pushes the illuminated button for the first line.

DORIAN: Hello Meredith, how can I help you?

MEREDITH: HOW CAN YOU MAGES LIVE WITH YOURSELVES? YOU ARE A BLIGHT ON THIS CITY AND THIS WORLD! YOU OUGHT TO BE DESTROYED AND YOUR MISERABLE BONES FLUNG FROM...

Dorian punches the button for the line, ending the call.

DORIAN: Ohh, sorry Meredith, looks like the line went dead. Too bad. Oh well, better luck next time.

LELIANA: What the bloody hell was that?

DORIAN: Hell if I know. Isabela, any thoughts?

ISABELA: Welcome to "The Night-Time Program," kids. Those are the folks who are up this time of night. Have fun!

Isabela kicks back in her chair, opens a weathered copy of "Treasure Island", and ignores the two of them.

LELIANA: Let's...try again. Isabe....oh, never mind. Let's see who's on line two.

She pushes the button for line two.

MEREDITH: AND THE TEMPLARS SHALL WREAK JUSTICE AND END THE SCOURGE...

Leliana presses the button to hang up, then slumps back in her chair.

DORIAN: Lovely. Well, maybe we should just talk about something for a while. Let the phones...cool off.

LELIANA: Excellent idea. Soo...what should we talk about?

DORIAN: Umm...

Isabela shakes her head.

LELIANA: Can...can we go to a commercial?

Isabela flashes the two of them a thumbs-up from the booth and puts a minute-long commercial on. She gets up and walks into the broadcast booth.

ISABELA: Believe it or not, you actually handled that better than I expected.

DORIAN: Always nice to inspire low expectations.

ISABELA: You didn't get in a fight with her, you cut the line, tried to keep things going, jumped to a commercial when you needed to. I'm actually impressed. 

LELIANA: But what are we supposed to do? What do we talk about?

ISABELA: Bottom line, there are probably three people out there listening right now, one of them being sweet Meredith. Talk about whatever the hell you want. We just need programming. Talk about darkspawn rights, arson, mating habits of the Qunari - I don't give a damn. Just give me something other than dead air and we're good to go.

She heads back into the booth. The other two sit back down. Dorian takes a few absentminded bites of glazed chicken, savoring the flavor. On the third bite, the fork slips out of his hand and bounces onto the floor, spraying sauce across the two of them and the control console.

ISABELA: Watch it! I don't want ants in there!

DORIAN: Sorry.

LELIANA: Oh, here.

She reaches down with some napkins and begins to wipe up the sauce.

LELIANA: So what do you want to talk about?

DORIAN: Well, of the three she gave us, I'm up for mating habits of the Qunari.

LELIANA: Do you...know anything about that?

DORIAN: Absolutely no clue, but I'd be interested to find out.

LELIANA: Might cause an uprising.

DORIAN: Might be fun.

Leliana raises an eyebrow at him, a smile creeping across her face.

LELIANA: You take the lead, I'll follow and jump in where I can. Let's have some fun.

ISABELA: Okay, kids. Five seconds. 

She counts them down again with hand signals. As she does, Dorian looks down and notices a few drops of honey glaze sauce dripping off the side of his food container. He smiles as an idea comes to mind. Isabela cues them.

DORIAN: Okay, happy people. Welcome back to Saucebox! Our topic tonight is our horny friends, the Qunari. We want to hear from you, rodeo fans. What's it like to ride the bulls?

Leliana smiles as Dorian starts to transition into to his normal, sassy self. Through the window, the two of them see Isabela look surprised for a moment, then flashes a thumbs-up to the two of them as the switchboard completely lights up.


	2. Fearless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Near the end of a successful first week, Leliana and Dorian receive a call back from a past listener and wonder if their advice helped him.

We join our intrepid radio hosts on the last show of their first week. Each of the shows has been progressively more successful, to the point where Dorian and Leliana have gained recognition from both students at the university and people out and about in Kirkwall. Both of them are enjoying their newfound fame.

DORIAN: All right, you ready for one more?

LELIANA: I am. Still, fun as this is, the weekend still can't come soon enough.

DORIAN: From the way you were slathering yourself over that poor Cullen guy on Wednesday, sounds like you can't either.

LELIANA: What do you mean 'slathering'? I was just giving him some good, sound advice. We both were!

DORIAN: Oh, come on. I was half expecting you to jump through the phone into his lap. Poor guy wouldn't have stood a chance.

LELIANA: Shut up, I just wanted to help the guy! Should I read any more into that saucy little chat you had with that Qunari guy on Monday?

DORIAN: What, you mean the Bull? We were just making conversation. He was answering questions our listeners had. Isabela said it was the best part of the show!

LELIANA: It was the only part of the show! You two were going at it for almost the entire hour once we got over the awkward start. I think I said five words once you two started chatting. You two hook up afterward? It sounded like you were ready to head over to your own little rodeo.

DORIAN: (Refuses to meet her eyes) That's...

LELIANA: MAKER'S BREATH! YOU DID!

DORIAN: I...

LELIANA: You...rode the Bull!

DORIAN: Shhhhh!! I don't want Isabela to hear! We probably shouldn't be...connecting with our audience like that. Not so soon, or publicly....

LELIANA: (Laughing) I...that's why you've been walking that way all week. Bicycle injury my eye.

DORIAN: All right, all right. I won't get on your case about Cullen if you keep your trap shut about this. I'll even play nice if Cullen calls back again like he said he would. Just...let's keep my own exploits out, okay?

LELIANA: Hmm...I don't know, it's just so...juicy.

DORIAN: All right, I didn't want to do this, but...

Dorian reaches into his pocket. Leliana stiffens, fearful that he's about to bring out something magical and dangerous. When it turns out to be his phone, she unclenches and relaxes. He unlocks his screen and begins tapping around, navigating through something she can't see. After a few seconds, he turns the phone around to reveal a picture of a handsome young man in a plaid shirt ordering a cup of coffee at the campus coffeehouse. 

LELIANA: What...what is this?

DORIAN: That's him.

LELIANA: Who?

DORIAN: Seriously?

She takes the phone out of his hands and examines the picture closely. She is visibly smitten.

LELIANA: That's Cullen? How?

DORIAN: I was getting my morning pick-me-up and the barista knew him by name. Bit of a flirt herself, actually. He's still awkward, but I think our advice helped.

LELIANA: Wow...very...

DORIAN: Yes, he is.

LELIANA: Send this to me?

DORIAN: We have a deal?

LELIANA: Fine, no Bull tonight. 

DORIAN: Thank you. I'll send it now.

Isabela walks into the room, beaming.

ISABELA: There are my rising stars! You've made it a whole week and actually turned this into one of the best shows I've ever produced. Seriously, I'm getting calls from all over town. Advertisers, even! You two are an overnight sensation!

LELIANA: Couldn't have happened without you, Isabela.

ISABELA: How's the Bull, Dorian? You finally walking normal again?

This time, Dorian does a full spit-take.

ISABELA: Hey! Watch the equipment!

DORIAN: (Sputtering) How....?

ISABELA: I warned you both - there's very little that goes on in this town that I don't know about. Especially when it comes to my on-air talent. You guys are a precious commodity now - I need to protect that.

LELIANA: We just agreed not to talk about it on-air. Figured you wouldn't want us to come across as...

ISABELA: As dipping into your own supply, I get it. I don't care what you do in your own time - believe me, I've seen it all before. A little on-air discretion is good, but for a show like this, people will appreciate that you...practice what you preach, as it were. Still, if you want to keep it quiet, I won't stand in your way.

DORIAN: Thank you.

ISABELA: One minute to showtime - let's do this thing.

Isabela disappears into the producer's booth and takes her seat. Dorian and Isabela sit down at their two chairs. They are clearly more comfortable with the equipment and the whole setup than they were before.

LELIANA: Would you look at that?

DORIAN: What?

LELIANA: The switchboard - we've got calls already and we aren't even on the air yet!

DORIAN: Go us!

They high-five as Isabela gives them the cue to open the show. She presses the button and the "ON AIR" light comes on. A second later, a recording of "Tush Tush Tush" by Frank Zappa starts to play.

DORIAN: (In a slow, sultry voice) Good evening, Kirkwall. Welcome to Saucebox with Dr. Dorian and Lady Leliana.

LELIANA: (Equally sultry) It has been quite the week here for us, taking your calls, hearing your stories, offering what advice we can. It's...been quite a kick.

DORIAN: That it has, and it looks like you all think so as well. Our lines are all lit up, so let's get right to it.

LELIANA: Isabela, who do we have on line one?

ISABELA: We have Cullen, calling to give us a follow-up from his earlier call.

Leliana's eyes light up like a kid on Christmas. Dorian smiles, but also rolls his eyes at Leliana's reaction.

LELIANA: Wonderful!

She pushes the button for Line 1.

LELIANA: Hello Cullen, welcome back! How did things go?

CULLEN: Um...hi...Leliana. Uh...things are...

DORIAN: It's okay, Cullen, take your time.

Dorian rolls his eyes again as he sees Leliana pull out her phone, pull up the picture of Cullen, and lean the phone against the mike stand so that she can see him as she talks to him.

LELIANA: For those who weren't with us on Wednesday, Cullen called our little show because he was having trouble talking to a girl he's developed a bit of a crush on.

DORIAN: Tale as old as time. So sweet.

LELIANA: He, like so many men and women out there, was a little nervous about asking her out. We gave, well, Dorian gave...

DORIAN: We agreed on our advice - it's something that we both believe in heartily, Leliana. My guess is that many of you good listeners either already were in practice with this or have started since our Wednesday show.

ISABELA: Might I just butt in to remind you that we are on a limited schedule. Just review the bloody advice and talk to the man?

DORIAN: You just want to know what happened, don't you, Isabela?

ISABELA: Don't you?

DORIAN: ...fine. We advised dear Cullen that the best thing to do to alleviate nerves and keep yourself in the best frame of mind before making any major move or decision...

LELIANA: ...is to pleasure yourself completely. Or, to put it in simpler terms...

DORIAN & LELIANA: Fap away the fear!

Isabela punches a button and a loud, triumphant fanfare plays.

DORIAN: Our extensive research shows that this lets your heart and brain work the best way they can - as a duo, undistracted by things further south. Three's a crowd and all that. So, Cullen, did you take our advice?

CULLEN: Well...I...

Dorian, Leliana, and Isabela all lean in to their microphones, literally on the edge of their seats. All across Kirkwall, hundreds of listeners are doing the same thing.

CULLEN: I did.

LELIANA: Wonderful - I'm proud of you! We don't need details if you don't want to tell us about the specifics. Of course, if you want to.... 

DORIAN: Leliana...

Leliana shoots him a death stare.

LELIANA: It sounds like that was something tough for you, especially talking about it. Just remember that we're all friends here.

CULLEN: Well, after I...took care of business, I got cleaned up, went out to where I knew she'd be, and I started to talk to her. It was going really well, actually. But then she noticed that the guy behind me in line - some weirdo with this crazy mustache - was taking a picture of either me or her. Some creep...

Dorian turns bright red, and Leliana just stares at him. Isabela does too, through the window.

LELIANA: That...sounds awful. Where was this?

CULLEN: The campus bookstore - she's a work-study clerk there.

Dorian breathes a huge sigh of relief and begins to turn back to his normal color. Isabela smirks and Leliana stifles a laugh?

CULLEN: Why do you want to know?

LELIANA: Just...(giggles)...trying to picture the scene.

DORIAN: Come now, Leliana, you're embarrassing our young friend. Please go on, Cullen.

CULLEN: Well, even though I was still a little nervous - much less than I had been before, mind you, thanks to your...um...advice - but seeing him trying to sneak a picture, whether it was of me or her, just set something off in me.

LELIANA: What did you do?

CULLEN: I...punched him right in the face.

All three in the radio station are startled.

DORIAN: Well...

LELIANA: What happened?

CULLEN: He went down, then scampered away.

ISABELA: And?

CULLEN: She...asked me out!

Dorian bursts out laughing, as does Isabela. Leliana rolls her eyes and smiles

CULLEN: Is...that funny?

ISABELA: It's brilliant! Oldest trick in the book - to the victor go the spoils!

Though he can't be sure, Dorian thinks he hears cheering coming from outside the studio. Around the city, hundreds are, in fact, cheering.

LELIANA: Well...I guess that all we can say is...well done!

DORIAN: Indeed, though I might offer one more bit of advice for you, Cullen. Take it for what you will.

CULLEN: Your advice already got me this far - I'm listening.

DORIAN: Very well - if I were you, I might bump things up to fapping two times before these major moves. Sounds like you've got a bit more...moxie than the average guy.

CULLEN: (Laughs) I'll take that under advisement. Although hopefully, if things go right, I might not have to fly solo for that for much longer. 

A moment's silence. All three in the station are stunned and wide-eyed.

CULLEN: Did...did I just say that out loud? On...on the radio?

ISABELA: Yuuuuup.

DORIAN: It's all right, Cullen. That's just how we roll here in the Saucebox. I guess all that's left for us to say is...happy questing!

LELIANA: Yes, good luck, Cullen. And remember...

CULLEN: Right...f-fap away the fear.

Isabela hits the fanfare button again.

CULLEN: ...two times.

Isabela hits the fanfare button once again.

DORIAN: Good night, Cullen.

CULLEN: Goodbye.

Cullen hangs up the phone.

LELIANA: Well, there's happy ending for all of us.

DORIAN: Indeed - I think we've done our good deed for the day!

The two of them slap a high-five.

LELIANA: We are on a roll, Sauceboxers. Let's keep it going. Isabela, who do we have on the line?

ISABELA: We have someone calling himself Iron Bull on line two. He has a question for Dorian.

DORIAN: Oh, for fuck's sake...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The trumpet fanfare sounds like the victory theme from Happy Wheels.


	3. Rotary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Old wisdom and new inventions help out this latest wave of callers.

Another evening, another show. The switchboard is once again lit up.

LELIANA: Sorry, I beg your pardon?

SERA: Did I stutter?

DORIAN: No, it's just...you brought WHAT into the bedroom?

SERA: A beehive.

LELIANA: With....live bees in it?

SERA: I thought it'd be exciting.

DORIAN: Understatement of the year...

SERA: I need things to be interesting - things are just so....bland otherwise.

DORIAN: And the fact that she ran screaming from the room, this...surprised you?

SERA: And the one before her, and the one before her. I'm beginning to take it personally. 

ISABELA: Mind if I jump in on this one?

LELIANA: No, go ahead.

DORIAN: Indeed - this isn't really my area.

LELIANA: What, kink? I beg to differ, Dorian, as does our audience, I'm sure.

DORIAN: ...women, oh wise one.

ISABELA: If I may....

Dorian makes an "after you" gesture and Leliana nods.

ISABELA: Sera, the problem for you isn't having great ideas in the bedroom - frankly, some of them are even giving me ideas.

SERA: Is that so?

ISABELA: You just need to remember one rule - save the really wild stuff for rounds two and onward. Build a little bit of a foundation before   
you start getting creative. Focus on the erotic, hold off on the kinky.

SERA: Sounds great to say it that like that, but where do...normals, I guess...draw the line?

DORIAN: I can take that one, if you like, Isabela.

ISABELA: Go for it.

DORIAN: Good rule of thumb - 'erotic' is using a feather, 'kinky' is using the whole chicken.

Isabela smiles, Leliana looks a little surprised. The phone is silent for a moment.

SERA: That...actually makes sense. Thanks, guys!

LELIANA: Have fun out there, Sera! Mind if we call you sometime if someone's looking for ideas for...really, really spicing things up?

SERA: Sure, sounds great! I'm sure that Isabela can help me come up with some really great stuff.

ISABELA: Looking forward to it.

SERA: Bye!

DORIAN & LELIANA: Bye!

The phone disconnects. The three of them laugh amongst themselves.

DORIAN: Another satisfied customer! I think we're on the road to a new record for most in an hour.

LELIANA: Who's up next, Isabela?

ISABELA: We have Varric on line three. He actually might want to talk to Sera - he's looking for a way to spice up his own boudoir life.

DORIAN: Well let's talk to him first, and we'll call Sera if we need to...escalate.

LELIANA: Right.

She pushes the button to connect the call.

LELIANA: Hello Varric, welcome to Saucebox. How can we help you?

VARRIC: Hey there, thanks for taking my call. I'm a big fan.

LELIANA: Our pleasure, Varric.

DORIAN: Wait a minute, I know that voice. Varric...Tethras?

VARRIC: That's right.

DORIAN: As in...bestselling author Varric Tethras?

VARRIC: Guilty as charged.

LELIANA: What's up, Dorian?

Dorian is visibly excited. He's not quite 'fangasming' yet, but he's well on the way.

DORIAN: Ladies and gentlemen, this is a real treat. For the three of you out there in the city who don't know, Varric Tethras is the author of numerous books, ranging from adventure novels to historical treatises and biographies. Sir, it's no exaggeration to say you are one of the best authors I've ever read, and it is a privilege to have you here!

VARRIC: Well, thank you.

LELIANA: Dorian, this is...(stifles a laugh) I've never seen you like this before - you're adorable! I didn't you looked up to anyone like that.

DORIAN: You obviously haven't read his books.

LELIANA: Something that I intend to rectify as soon as possible, I assure you. In the meantime, why don't we see what good Ser Tethras has to say.

DORIAN: Of course, where are my manners? What can we do for you?

VARRIC: Well, as your producer said, I'm looking for some inspiration. Not for a book, but for my own...escapades. I have run into a couple of issues. First off, as you know, several of my books are fairly controversial, especially the one that I'm working on right now, which is going to leave more than a few members of our esteemed town government exposed to some very bad press. As of right now, I've had three attempts on my life, and I expect several more...

LELIANA: Now that does sound exciting - maybe you should talk to Sera after all. She seems to be the expert on danger in the bedroom.

VARRIC: Maybe so, but anyway...in addition to having to sleep - among other things - with one eye open, I also find myself in a bit of rut given my own...physicality. As a dwarf, there are some things that we just plain miss out on, and some others that aren't quite...if you'll pardon a bad joke, up to measure. I was hoping that the two of you might be able to help me to work through this little conundrum.

LELIANA: Hmm, that is a puzzler - you have a lot to think about there.

DORIAN: And I'm sure that you've already exhausted at least a few creative veins on your own. If your books are any indication...

VARRIC: Yes, I've run through most of those over the years. Some have still been fun, but almost everything stales over time.

DORIAN: Fair enough. So, self-defense combined with lovemaking...

LELIANA: Ser Tethras, you're really making us work for our paycheck tonight.

VARRIC: Well, after listening to your last few shows, I figured that if anyone can help me, it'd be you two.

Dorian begins to completely fanboy out at this point, though he does manage to keep it silent. Leliana clandestinely snaps a short video of his joy at the fact that his literary idol is a listener. Through the window, she can see Isabela smiling and shaking her head.

LELIANA: Do you mind if we take a moment to think?

VARRIC: Sure, no worries. I'm writing tonight, so I don't have any company to entertain.

ISABELA: Well why don't we go to a commercial right now and we'll see if our dynamic duo can come up with anything when we return. See you in sixty, Kirkwall.

She starts up a commercial tape and sits back. Dorian and Leliana stay at the microphones, though Dorian is still visibly excited.

DORIAN: Leliana, this may be the greatest night of my life!

LELIANA: Don't let Bull hear you say that.

DORIAN: We're meeting up later, so I will maintain tonight's quest for ultimate greatness!

Leliana is surprised by his candor - up until now, he's been fairly quiet on the subject of his budding relationship. Even Isabela raises her eyebrows.

LELIANA: Wow...that was....candid.

DORIAN: I'm just too happy to care right now. Don't push your luck, but I feel so....UP!

As he utters the last word, he pushes his chair away from the desk and sends his chair into a spin, his arms out like he's trying to take off. He makes several rotations before finally slowing to a halt.

DORIAN: It's just so....hey....

Dorian begins to transition from excited fan back to his more lascivious self. He looks down at his chair, then up to Leliana with a wicked grin crossing his face.

LELIANA: You have an idea, don't you?

DORIAN: I do.

ISABELA: And just in time. We're back in three...two...one...

She points to them and the on-air light is illuminated once again.

LELIANA: And we're back. For those of you just joining us, we're talking with famed author Varric Tethras about how to spice things up in the bedroom when one is both of short stature and being pursued by hired killers. I can't say it's a problem that too many of us will likely face, but it is fascinating all the same. I'm pleased to say that during our break, Dorian had an epiphany of sorts - one that even we here in the studio are anxious to hear.

VARRIC: Fantastic, well I'm interested as well.

DORIAN: Well then, Ser Tethras...

VARRIC: Please, call me Varric.

Dorian looks like his head is about to roll right off his shoulders from overexcitement. He does his best to keep his tone neutral.

DORIAN: Varric, then. Is Bianca still with you these days?

VARRIC: Never out of my sight.

DORIAN: Forgive me - it was a silly question. For those of you who aren't familiar with Ser....with Varric and his personal story, Bianca is a specially-made crossbow that he keeps with him at all times. When he gave a lecture at the University a couple years ago, Bianca was at the side of the lectern the whole time. Varric isn't much a fan of contemporary firearms and says that Bianca is all that he has ever, and will ever need in terms of protection.

VARRIC: Damn straight.

DORIAN: So let me ask you this, Varric. Do you know what a Lazy Susan is?

Leliana's eyebrows raise so quickly that it seems they might rocket right up into the air. Isabela looks confused as well.

VARRIC: You mean that little rotating table thing that they have in Antivan restaurants, where you can spin it around so that everyone can access all the small dishes?

DORIAN: That's the one. Well, as I understand it, you need to be able to survey the room and cover all exits, monitoring them for any undesirables. I'm sure that Bianca is still within arm's reach when you're getting down to business.

VARRIC: Of course.

DORIAN: So my suggestion is that you talk to someone here in town who's good with customized equipment - maybe even the person who crafted Bianca for you, and create a custom-fitted Lazy Susan - one that allows....connection.

VARRIC: Wait, you're suggesting that...my lady friends...take me for a spin?

Leliana clamps her hand over her mouth to hold in the laughter. In her soundproof booth, Isabela is visibly cracking up.

DORIAN: Exactly. You have a unique opportunity here, good Ser. If two people of similar build try something like this, it just wouldn't work. For you, however....

VARRIC: Hmmm....not bad. I'm intrigued. A new way to fool around, and I can watch the room and take out an entire hit squad on one good rotation. 

DORIAN: Sounds like a plan!

LELIANA: It sounds like you're going to be sexually identifying as an attack helicopter from now on, Ser Tethras....

A moment's silence, then all four of them burst into hysterics.

VARRIC: Leliana, my dear, please let me quote you on that. I'll talk to Bianca's maker tomorrow and see what he can put together. I'll even have him do one up for you, Dorian. I'll bet that you and your Qunari friend could have some good times with it as well, even without the crossbow.

DORIAN: Well...erm...

Dorian is visibly embarrassed by this.

VARRIC: I'll even autograph it for you.

DORIAN: Well...how can I turn that down? Thank you Ser...I mean, Varric. Feel free to give us a call with any updates.

VARRIC: Will do - you all have a great night!

LELIANA: Good night, Varric. Great to meet you.

VARRIC: And you, fair Leliana. Let me know if you ever want to go out for a spin.

DORIAN: Thanks, Varric.

The line disconnects, and Dorian sits back in his seat - pleased, flustered, and embarrassed all at the same time.

LELIANA: Well it looks like we only have a couple minutes left - maybe time for one more quick call. Isabela, do we have anyone on the line?

ISABELA: We have Iron Bull on line five, he wants to talk to Dorian.

Dorian buries his face in his hands. Leliana connects the call.

LELIANA: Hey, Bull.

IRON BULL: Hi Leliana, great show!

LELIANA: Thanks! Let me just scrape Dorian off the floor here - I think he's still a little star-struck.

IRON BULL: Well that's all right, not like I haven't had to revive him like that myself every now and then.

DORIAN: Could you not...

IRON BULL: Just let him know that I'm looking forward to trying out that new invention of his. Tell me, do you think that if you spin a mage around fast enough, he'll light up?

LELIANA: I have a feeling that you'll find out sooner than the rest of us, and I hope that you'll let us know what you find out next time on Saucebox. Heaven knows that Dorian won't tell us. Thanks again for joining us, dear listeners, and until next time, stay saucy!

Isabela cues the outro music, Dead or Alive's "You Spin Me Round". Dorian is bright red.

DORIAN: What...what just happened?

LELIANA: You just created the greatest bedroom invention of the past fifty years. 

IRON BULL: Dorian - you still there?

DORIAN: Yeah, I'm here. Did you really have to do that?

IRON BULL: Awww, did the big bad Bull embawwass his wittle magey fwend?

DORIAN: You...you will pay for that.

IRON BULL: Hit me with your best shot, lover.

DORIAN: Ten minutes.

Dorian disconnects the line and begins to gather his things.

LELIANA: Wow. You don't waste any time, do you?

DORIAN: Hey, why should I? I have this dreadful feeling that tonight's the last night that I'm not going to be dizzy at the end. By the Maker I'm going to enjoy it. Good night!

He takes his things and heads out the door. Leliana waves before heading into Isabela's booth. Isabela is writing furiously on a sheet of paper.

LELIANA: What's that?

ISABELA: Marketing plan. By this time tomorrow, there are going to be three different shops in town building those contraptions, and they're going to want advertising minutes as soon as possible. Just finishing up a marketing battle plan for tomorrow.

LELIANA: You don't waste any time either.

ISABELA: True, but when I'm done with my conquest, the only dizziness I'll have is because of the thin air at the top of my mountain of money.

LELIANA: And the two of us will get a fair cut, right?

ISABELA: Why? You're not under contract.

LELIANA: Because our punishment's up at the end of next week. And since - as you point out - we aren't under contract, there's nothing keeping us here. So if you want your talent to stick around.

Isabela growls, then sighs.

ISABELA: Dorian underestimates you.

LELIANA: I know. Never let anyone know what you're capable of. Always be ready to surprise them.

ISABELA: I'll give you twenty percent of the ad revenue.

LELIANA: Fifty, plus baseline salary for the working hours once our obligation to the university is satisfied.

ISABELA: Forget it. Forty, but no salary.

LELIANA: Thirty five with, or we walk.

ISABELA: Don't push me...

LELIANA: I've got messages from Jethann at KKWL and Gert at KWTF on my phone right now - both of them begging to take us on.

The two stare each other down for a seemingly endless moment. Finally, Isabela lets out an exasperated sigh.

ISABELA: Fine. Full salary with thirty five percent of ads. Maker, I'm glad I haven't got your nerve in my tooth.

Leliana reaches out her hand and they shake on it.

LELIANA: Nice doing business with you.

ISABELA: Yeah, sure. You can forget about any free meals from me from now on, though.

LELIANA: I think we'll be all right.

ISABELA: I'm sure you will be. (Yawns) Well, good night, Leliana.

LELIANA: Good night!

Leliana walks out of the booth. Isabela follows behind a minute later, switching the lights off and shutting the door behind her.


End file.
